If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
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me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″