Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
You Might Also Like
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*