Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
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[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
🤦🏻♀️😂😂