McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
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10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?