When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
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[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.