I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
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I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*