A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
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I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Good Morning.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray