I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
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Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No