Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
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Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Doctors texting each other.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.