Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
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HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.