My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
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In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie