Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
never forget
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
That eye roll….
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.