Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
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Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.