My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
You Might Also Like
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod