Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
You Might Also Like
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.