I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
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Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
buys donuts instead
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.