Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
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Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
How dude HOW?!
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Ironic
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.