I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
You Might Also Like
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.