[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
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”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️