*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
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[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Big Sex has us all fooled
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.