Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
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Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*