waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
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Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.