(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
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My dog learned how to text
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?