Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
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Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are