My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
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If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Taking phone security to the next level.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Lube but for my dry humor.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?