Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
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ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Science memes
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.