indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
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I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
getting old is fun
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances