Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
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trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.