“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
You Might Also Like
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Facebook marketplace is a different world
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.