Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
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Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT