I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
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Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.