her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
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Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
emergency phone
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”