The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
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I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Dance like you’re not the father
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you