I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
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[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up