Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
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judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Leaving the Barbers like
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.