*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
You Might Also Like
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it