…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
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Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I only treason on days ending in y
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*