Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
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8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
*gets down on one knee*
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center