Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
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I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
that’s really how it is
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”