Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
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Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
seems like a niche market
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Taliband
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.