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Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
How to wake up a Beagle
*gets down on one knee*
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.