Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
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The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.