“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
You Might Also Like
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this