me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
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Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
it’s the silliest best thing
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.