If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
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People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.