Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
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I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Brother?
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people