anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
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My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Where’s my employee discount too?
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever