Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
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Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
my dad when a sex scene comes on
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?