“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
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Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Just a reminder, folks:
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Meanwhile in Portland…