Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
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You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.